even though you call me your big sister that you never want to lose, you guys still hang out without me. 

That's the end of it. I'm sick of you guys
 
 
you saw me cry through the webcam, I know you wont do anything about it. You can't anyways. It's not like you'll come over anyways
 
 
you are beginning to have more and more complaints about me. Why did it take this long for you to say something in the first place?

You used to WANT to stay over for ME. Now, all you feel is that you're cooped up in my room doing nothing. You don't help me clean my room, or do my homework, or anything like how you used to. I have to get you drinks, I have to get you food, condiments. I have to do this or that. You never want to do it anymore. And when I simply ask if you want to, you just point it back at me like I'm sheltering you away from the world. 

I coop you up in my room
I'm forcing you to spend the night
I have homework to do, therefore you'll be doing nothing
I want you over, so now you're bored

I'm trying to "respect your decisions" but how can I when all you want to do is distance yourself away from me? You're on spring break and you don't even want to spend the night with me. You don't even need to wake up in the morning, all you do is sleep in anyways. 

You've been really demanding lately. You've been really controlling about everything. So what do I do? I give in. I'll do what it takes to make you happy, because obviously, spending the night with me doesn't make you happy anymore. It just makes you mad. 

I feel like I lost my best friend. I have no one to talk to. I'm lonely at night and I oftentimes cry myself to sleep because there is no one I can talk to. 

I'll stop forcing you to do stuff. You wanna lay on my bed and do nothing? Fine with me. You don't want to come over? Fine with me. You want to break up..? If that's what you want, then fine with me. As long as you're happy, it doesn't matter how I feel. 
 

Selfish

03/16/2012

0 Comments

 
Maybe I should stop introducing my friends to new people. I always get left behind in the dirt. Despite ALL the networking I have done, I have a tendency to introduce the new people in my life to the old. Good right? Nahh.. not for me. I am oftentimes replaces and forgotten. 

I swear, I am the only one bringing in new faces. I'm gonna stop that. Keep all groups separated. If you didn't know, I LIKE being the only girl around, with the occasional elizabeth or whomever was there at the start. I HATE not being invited to such things especially when you just ASSUME that I'm "busy" or I'm "with Timmy". I hate that you guys take my time for granted. I know that I'm a busy person, but if you stopped to actually ask me what I was doing, then maybe, just maybe I'll actually be able to chill. 


Silly ol me. Who would want an old Jessica anyways when she can produce much more new faces? I think that's why they're keeping me around for so long. But once I stop, I'll be gone forever. 

I'll just disappear now. You'll miss me, just wait. 
 
 
when you stop telling me things and when you hold things from me, I start to think.. what the fuck is wrong with me? Why won't you tell me? 

And then I look into the mirror and all I see is an ugly person staring back.

Is this what I have become?
 

No Title

03/04/2012

0 Comments

 
You don't even try to comfort me anymore. I'm sitting there, crying . You don't even ask me what's wrong. You tell ME to kiss you, why don't YOU kiss me? All night I was waiting for you to cuddle with me, but you didn't. When I wanted to cuddle with you, you just shunned me away. 

You keep pushing me away. Am I not worth it anymore? Sometimes I wish you would just put me out of my misery already. Just leave me and go to her. You know you love her, I don't know why you're wasting your time with me
 
 
Is when you push me away and talk down to me when you're upset. It makes me just want to cry but I know I shouldn't make a scene because you'll just be even more upset with me. I don't know what happened between you and your bestie, or what happened at work, but everytime you're like this, you shut me out. Why won't you talk to me? 

You're always keeping secrets from me. You tell me the half truth. You say mean and hurtful things to me and you don't even realize it . Omg... I'm trying really hard not to sniffle right now. :T.. 

You complained about me not giving more effort, but here I am trying to put in the most effort I can. I washed your blanket and I was willing to drive by and drop it off. It's not a big deal to me. I already promised you that I'd do it. But no, you're just turning the tables on me. Blaming me for something I didn't do. You blame me for the fact that you HAVE to come over. I didn't force you, you chose to do it. I chose to come over to you, but you didn't want that. 


It scares me a lot because you're just acting like my dad...
 
 
What kind of family morals are you trying to impose on your kids? When you're pissed, you can't even talk to your own wife. You act so selfishly and so immaturely. I can't even bare to call you my dad. You get pissed off of the little things, chill the fuck out. 

DINNER time is for family. I made time to go see grandma why can't you? Why can't you put aside all of your own issues to see your own mother? How would you feel like if I didn't visit you because I was mad at whatever? Selfish. You make everyone wait for you. They're starving themselves and letting the food go cold just so your ass could be there. Immature. Mom is begging for you to come. You can't even respond to her. You can't even hold the phone next to you. What is your problem?

You're supposed to be the dad that everyone looks up to. You and mom, I thought you guys were perfect, no fights whatsoever. She knows how to hide it, why can't you? You're the man of the house, so grow some balls and act like it. Start acting more like a father and more like a husband instead of this shit. Such a kid, an immature kid. I thought you knew better.