basking in my forever alone-ness feeling upset and emotional like I always do. You're out partying while I'm stuck here going crazy and getting headaches. Why don't you tell me what you're doing? Am I not worthy enough anymore? It just makes me even more worrysome when you ignore my texts messages as I cry myself to sleep on the occasion. I want you to be happy but I always question myself. Am I making you happier? Am I satisfying your needs? I always make you worry about me. I'm always frustrated or upset at you for little things.
I can't help it. I feel really alone when you're out with friends and enjoying yourself. I'm jealous of them, that's why I make such a huge fuss over it.
It's stupid, I know. But I don't want to hold you back from them. They are your friends after all. That's why I push you away to hang out with them. I dont know. I'm so bipolar about this. I want to be with you, but I don't want to hold you back. I want to be selfish, but I don't want to feel guilty.
I don't know why or how you put up with me. I'm such an emotional wreck. I cry too easily, get mad too easily, get upset too easily. How the fuck do you deal with shit like that? This is so stupid. I'm crying as I type this out. I have such low self esteem about myself. Nothing is going to change that. I may act like I don't have a problem, but I do.
oh well.. Here's to another few weeks or months until you find this post. By then, it'd be too late to address this issue.
And here's to all the people who will read this and think about how stupid I am for feeling this way.
I tell you everything yet you still keep secrets from me. Do you not trust me or something?
If I'm not personally invited somewhere, then I don't really want to go. I feel like the host didn't intentionally want me to go, so I don't want to intrude. Iono. Maybe it's because I always feel left out?
I've been so conditioned to get used to that that if I don't get invited somewhere, I'll be sad for a bit, then I'll get over it.
Sometimes I just feel so alone, so forgotten that it makes me feel sad. What does one do in order to make themselves feel important? Maybe that's why I'm on the constant lookout of someone in pain. I'd rather ignore my feeling and help them instead. Maybe then will I make a big enough impression in their lives to remember me.
Do I, myself, need to talk about my emotions freely in order to feel important? If you haven't noticed, I shelter my feeling and talk about it to a selected few. But even then, while talking to them, I just feel so stupid. It's not like my problems are the main talk with them anyways. It's always me saying "this is how I feel" and having a response such as "that sucks, but you know what's worse?" The whole convo is always like that. The main focus is always turned around, ALWAYS. That's why I don't feel like I'm important enough.
I think people just seek happiness when they talk to me, so I just give them the persona that my life is chipper and bright. It's not like it's any of their concerns anyways, nor would they care to know my problem.
You might think how stupid it is for me to type this out, because no matter what I say, "I'll always have those people out there for me who will always be there", but Like I said earlier, I don't want to intrude in their life. I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to rain on their parade. Plus, why talk to them about petty things when I
I'm afraid that I'm going to be an emotional/depressed drunk. I don't want to drink, ever. I'd rather not anyways.
Monday: Chipotle with David and Darren.
Tuesday: Curry House with Darren, Alex, Babe, and I. Court for babe. SmokeEaters for dinner with Bob, Rob, Alex, Nikko, Jenny, Brian, and Josh. BR to eat ice cream and visit erie.
Wednesday: Wingstop with babe. In N Out for Dinner.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Happy Birthday Alex! School was normal. I got my free DA jacket! Yee. Then I turned in my apps for french tutoring as well as signing up for clubs! I'm so excited. Chilled with babes for an hour to wait for Darren to get out. Then we went home and had some donuts :3
When Alex got out of school and arrived at Darren's we picked up Jenny, picked those two up and headed off to Chicken and Waffels in Oakland. Boo Traffic! The food was pretty good though. It's pretty different from the usual food we eat. Omg, I feel terrible bc we kept cracking black jokes in that restaurant. Lols. Good experience though. I hope Alex enjoyed it. So we took them all home, then babe and I KO'd for 2 hours at my house. When we woke up, we went to Applebees for the continuation of Alex's bday.
I came in with the mindset of not eating anything, but babe got some boneless wings... which I had to have. Then people kept giving bob his leftovers.. and Bob sat next to me, so all the leftovers were piling on my side... so I couldn't help myself. Lol! Free food! Nomnomnom.
Bob got me a gift! I actually feel guilty accepting it though, because it's Alex's bday. It kind of makes me feel like a hypocrit, but in the moment, it didn't register in my mind. I really appreciate the Sharks flag for the car though, but I should've waited to accept it. Oh well... no use in turning back the clock now.
Afterparty at Alex's. I felt awkward being there because his whole family was asleep. Some were smashing, some were playing board games. I just sat there and played pokemon. Babe dropped me off at home later. Iono, for some reason, I got really depressed once I got home. I didn't have the energy to do anything. I wanted to blog about my day, to brush my teeth, to eat some food, but I couldn't bring myself to do any of those things. I got really depressed and started to tear up. Thankfully babe came back and comforted me as I fell asleep in his arms <3
Friday, April 22, 2011
School. Ughh. I got to play pokemon for 2 hours while waiting for Darren. I went home, then started to clean. I got bored so I went and got my eyebrows threaded and I painted my nails purple. Yee. Then I met up with Jenny, Rob and Brian at Target to buy some easter supplies. East Egg hunt on Sunday! Im excited! By the time we finished, We dropped off Brian's car, dropped off my car, drove Jenny to work, bought some carne asada fries from this hole in the wall restaurant in Sunnyvale, then went back to Rob's to fill up eggs and eat. Omg. So many easter eggs! After, we dropped off Brian, then headed to Alex's house for ANOTHER birthday event. We ended up watching Fast and Furious 3 and 4. So good!
I've realized that I really like watching car movies with Babe or with friends who are into cars. Just watching them Jizz when a nice car comes out, or cry and yell when a car gets effed up is entertaining. Gah. My friends <3.
Surprisingly, I stayed out past 12 till 2 actually and my parents didn't call or anything. They just went to bed when I went home, which confused me. Is this their way of giving me freedom and letting me stay out at night? Yee, I hope so!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
So today is Chris' bday party. I woke up herra late... slept in with babe. We left to go back to Nikko's, showered, then went to Lunch with TK and Nikko at TK noodle. Sadly, Nikko and Tk didn't get to join us b/c Erie got out of school HELLA early. Like 2 hours earlier than usual! So they left to go pick her up while babe and I ate our lunch. Babe took my home, then left for work also. Right now, I'm doing laundry and such. I should go out and talk to my family, but I'll do that later. I actually took a nap till 7 when I got home. Too many family members kept waking me up, so when I went back to sleep, I keep shaking and flinching after every sound. I have to go pick up the cake now. I'm actually tempted to go to Michaels to go buy stuff. But I need to do my homework instead. Omg, what to do, what to do.
Here are some photos that I haven't been able to make it to my blogs. These are a few of the things I did this past year...
Lawls, Babe's napping <3
First bowling night with everyone. From then, it becomes history Photocredit: Robert Adams
Lisa's going away dinner party Photocredit: Robert Adams
Babe's first Dancer's Photoshoot. Lol! Look at his face! Photocredit: Robert Adams
Erie's 19th Bday! Photocredit: R.A
Nikko's Bday (nikko is MIA though)... Photocredit: Ashley Tan
Patty's 20th! Photocredit: Me/Babe
I finally have a chance to sit down and blog again. I've been pretty busy and preoccupied for the past couple.. months. Blogging on the occasion here on weebly. Sorry for neglecting you! <3.
This past week has been pretty fun. Spring quarter recently started. My classes are as follow: Precac III, Acct 1C, French 3 and Ewrt 1A. This is probably one of my busiest quarters yet I'm taking it ever so lightly, which I really shouldn't... I've been slacking off a bit, but now I'm trying to get back on track.
Thursday, March 14, 2011
Went to school.. Blah blah blah. Timmy picked me up and we went to the mall to shop for a bit. We bumped into Diane, Bianca and Pats at F21! Lols. Thanks to Patty, I now have an addition 3 pairs of shorts added to my collection of clothes. Babe went out and bought himself some sandals and we enjoyed a nice lunch at Great Khans. :3
We then left to go back to my house to pick up some beach stuff, then met up at Jenny's. Jenny, Rob and I went first to Safeway at Valley Fair to pick up Bob and buy food and such while Timmy and Brian stayed back to wait for Josh.
OMG! Safeway soda was hella cheap! I know, I know, I don't drink soda.. but still. CHEEP. We also bought some chips, cooler, and ice. Shortly after, we all got together and headed to Sunset Beach; Josh, Brian, Babe and I in Josh's car; Rob, Bob, and Jenny in Rob's car.
When we arrived, we set up everything and dug a small hole for the fire. We threw around the football, flew kites, and just chilled while wading in the freezing cold ocean. Lol. Eventually, Bob set up with camera gear and we got to take a mini group shot of everyone who was there at the moment.
Later, Tk, Alex, Nikko, Erie, Tim and Wendy showed up. We then got the fire started since the sun was setting. From then, the rest is history. We cooked hot dogs, made smores and just chilled.
When it was 10, we decided to pack our bags and head out. After the... uncomfortable ride home, Timmy just dropped me off at home and we split.
Friday, March 15, 2011
School... Met up with babe and had Pep lunch for lunch. Babe went to work so I met up with Brian and Jenny at Black Angus. After their lunch, we went to MHS so I could pick up something from Jen. <3 She got me a little Bambi pin from Disneyland!
Went to Jenny's to chill and talk afterwards. Then randomly, we decided to go to Ikea! So we picked up Nikko and Brian drove us there.
After that, Brian drove us to Mountain View to get some really good gelato. Nom nom nom. Then, dropped off Jenny, I got dropped off, stayed home and did hw.
Dinner with my parents! It went pretty well, I got to conversate with them and my brothers, for a bit. After, I finished up hw then met up with Everyone at SweetHearts. Peal Milk Tea! I got an hour extension on my curfew for that night, but in my opinion, it was pretty pointless. Erie, Tk, Alex, Timmy, Nikko and I just went back to Nikko's and chilled in his room. Didn't really do much.. I should've just gone home to sleep. GG
Saturday, March 16, 2011
Woke up early to let babe sneak out. It was such a close call! Went back to sleep for about an hour, babe came over again and went on fb/tumblr the entire time. He didn't even go back to sleep! SMH.
Went to lunch at Chez Christina with Alex, Nikko, Jenny, Josh, Tk, Babe and I. Nomnom. The steak was so small! Herra pricey for such a small portion. But it was still good either way.
After, Jenny and I left the guys, because they went to go carwash while I went to go run some errands. After errand running for about an hour, we met back at Nikko's since the guys were washing cars.. Yum..
Tim was there also! But he didn't want to be in the pic.. Lawls. After, we went to pick up Erie at school, then SF BOUND for the Cherry Blossom Festival! I met up with Allan Dale and Danyelle. We walked around, went to the mall-ish area. Sanrio Storeee! I bought cookie cutters and oven mitts. If I bought something over $5, I could get a free fan or a hat. I got the hat, then passed my receipt around to Jenny, Erie and Danyelle so they could get the free hat also. Buahaha. We so cheep.
So we chilled a bit. Walked around, checked out some stuff, then finally decided to go eat some sushi. Nom nom nom. Allan Dale, Danyelle, Jenny and I got out own table and Erie, Tk, Nikko, Alex and Tim got a table. The place was so small that they had to split us. Dinner was nice and enjoyable. I got the Unagi Donburi. When we finished, we all decided to head home. The car ride was enjoyable. I really like talking to Jenny and Tim. Very educational :]
So, we went to Sweethearts again to get Pearl Milk Tea! I chilled till 1130, then I took Jenny home. Phone Dated with Shian for a bit, Timmy came over after having me freak out like crazy about him, and slept over. <3
Sunday, March 17, 2011
Not much happened today. Pho with the family. Went home. Did homework/tumblr/facebooked. Yeaap. Today was a complete hw day though. I got all my stuff done and now I'm all caught up! Yeee! Lol. I also got to finish my phone date with Shian. What a friken productive day. Now.. I'm gonna go over to Babe's to sleep over. :P gnight