It makes me sad knowing how much I affect people. Whether they hate me or like me. I don't want anyone to hate me, but then again I don't really care if they do. But what upsets me the most is that I am unintentionally hurting people. I don't mean to do it, I don't mean to be myself and make people fall in love with me. It just something that happens. I can't not be myself and make them not like me because I would just be fake not only to my friends, but also to myself.
I just wish that people would see me for who I am. I wish they would just talk to me as if I was their friend, because I am their friend. I don't want people seeing me as "the girl they like" or have a crush on. Just simply a friend.
Like I said, I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not interested in anyone. I have learned from past experiences that I should not wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't want to get hurt and I want to know that next time I like someone, it's not because of their pretty face but because of their personality. I don't want to like someone just because I miss that feeling of having someone there for me; that's called rebounding and that's what friend's are always there for. Friends. I only wish that people would talk to me like normal person. I like the special treatment and all, but at the moment, it's not going to do anything to me but hinder me. That person might be standing right in front of my eyes, but things like this just take time. I have made too many mistakes, none that I regret because "we make mistakes in order to learn from them".
It also makes me sad knowing that people are afraid of me. I don't care if I'm a second degree black belt and can kick your butt. What are they scared of? That I'm going to kill them? Yes I know I'll say "I'm gonna kill you" but do you really think I'm going to do that? Its a figure of speech, I'm 18. Legal. I'm not going to throw my life away because of something I did. I'm still always going to be the same person. Jessica Ngo Banh. If you know me, then you know that I'm a kind person, not scary unless I dislike you. I don't intentionally want to hate on people. Things just happen that way and I can't stop it, it's how I feel towards another human being. Like I said, you can hurt me however you want to, I can handle it, but when you inflict pain physically or mentally on my friends, then it's my problem too. I'm only looking out for the people I love. No matter what people say, "You must accept everyone for who they are" you have to admit, we're only human. We're going to have those issues with people we don't like, whether your a good person or not, things will happen this way even if its a small issue.
When I look in the mirror, I don't see a special person, I just see an everyday kind of girl. There's nothing unique about me, I don't have special powers or anything. I can't fly, make time stop, or have super strength. So what's the deal with me?
Being human is what we are, and at the moment, I'm kinda sad. I wish people would just go back to their old way and talk to me like a normal human being whether I am "extraordinary" or not. Don't get me wrong, I have to admit that I like the attention, but not to point where I can't have a conversation with my best friend because he is too afraid to talk to the girl he likes. It just sucks. I guess that's the way of life.