Friends

07/22/2009

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     What are friends? People who back stab you and talk shit about you behind your back? No. Friends. Real friends are the ones that have your back and don't say shit about you to anybody. I know everyone does it, talk crap and everything, we're human and its inevitable.
     What I can't possibly get out of my head is "why". Why talk shit about me? I did nothing wrong but try and make some new friends. Is that wrong? I'm sorry that my bold personality has allowed you to feel threatened in anyway. I don't mean to talk jokingly with other guys as if I'm hitting on them or even FLIRTING with them. I've been comfortable with them like how I am to anybody; Guy or Girls. I don't mean to make THAT GUY that you like fall for me. I can't control other people's feelings, they choose to feel what they feel and if they like me, then it's inevitable for me. I don't mean to lead people on with my personality, it's just harmless chatting for me and honestly if you were my real friends, you would've seen past YOUR thoughts and realized that there was no intentions to anything. You should know that I look down on COCK BLOCKERS, I don't like them so why would I be them? It all comes to one conclusion; Jealousy
     I'm starting to second guess my friendship with you guys. I've done so much for you guys and this is how you repay me? Wow. Some friends you are. I expected so much better from you guys especially if you don't like drama. If you don't like it so much, why be apart of it? I cherish my friendship with you guys the most. Do you know why? Besides Kim, you guys are basically my only other girlfriends that I can tell my shit to. My friends from school are only friends but you guys, I consider you guys my best friends. But seriously? If this is what best friends do then I don't want to have any best friends. Maybe I shouldn't have any friends at all.
     I know that you were only out to look out for him, but seriously? Telling him shitty lies about me? Wow. Unbelievable. If you were honestly mature enough and wanted to get away from the drama, you would've told him something different.
     I know that at the lake when you ladies had your little chatting circle, you guys were talking about me. It's no doubt you were, I don't need any proof but what I feel. I felt that you guys were hella talking shit about me and you know what? Fine. Go ahead, just remember that I KNOW everything and that Karma's a Bitch.
     No, I did not lead him on, or any of the guys. I can't help it if they like me, I'm not gonna change who I am nor will I be fake. He already knows that I'm at the point where I'm not here to impress anyone, for once, I am comfortable in my own skin. It really makes me happy being me and being so comfortable with people that I can joke around with them. But honestly, I only see it as jealousy. If you were so jealous and so frightened, why invite me in the first place? Why bother? I would have totally accepted it because I'm not the type to be butt hurt about non invitations.
     So what's said is said. I wish to put it in the past. I just want you to know that I don't go up to people telling them my shit and my problems, they come up to me to check up on me because that's what friends are for. I live by many mottos; "Get sad, Get mad. Get over it." , "leave your baggage at the door." , "the past is the past." etc.
     Honestly, since this is in the past, I'm this close to putting our friendship in the past. I don't like dealing with shit like this, and if you know me enough to care, you know that I'd rather walk away from drama especially if it's THIS ridiculous. I wouldn't be ranting about this if I didn't care, but I do care. I built this wall up, but now it's been torn down. I feel as if I can trust no one. I feel like the world has walked out on me when I needed someone the most and that's the shittiest feeling ever. When you feel as if you lost trust in everybody, expecially your best friends.
     -Banhzaii

P.S - Thanks to Hieu, Kenny, Darren, and Kevin Anthony for sticking with me through thick and thin. And to Axell for always loving me and protecting me. I couldn't have asked for a tighter, more loving and caring group of people.