I already know. It's just who I am, it's in my nature. I hate it though, but it's something I can't seem to get rid of. A bad habit I guess.

I especially hate complaining about girls and how they act around you. I guess it just shows that I'm the jealous type. But how can I not be? You have girls all around you, swooning over every step you take. 

Obviously, you don't see it. But me? Yeah, I see it. I see all of those bitches trying to get your attention. And guess what? It works, all the damn time. 

How can I not be jealous? Once a new girl steps into your life, you automatically consume your life in her business. "friends" you constantly remind me. Sure. I'm just waiting for that day until you leave me for another girl. I'm just waiting to say "See? I told you so". Of course, I don't hope for that to come, but nowadays, it seems as if it's coming sooner than later. 

Yeah she may have another guy in the sidelines, but idk.. It just seems like you like her more than me. Perhaps it's because she is young and full of life? Because she has a nice car? Because she's beautiful? She's so energetic and friendly, I see that, which makes it harder to just see her as only a "friend". When she texts you, you automatically respond. She comes to you with her problems and concerns. She even fucking asks you advice on boots. I don't even do that! If she has another man in her life, why can't she talk to him about that stuff? Why does it have to be you? It's not like you guys are best friends.. 

It just upsets me. I can see why you would like her more than me. I can see why she is more interesting to talk about. "My girlfriend bakes.." vs "My friend has a slammed lexus, she's my coworker, she likes milktea, sundayfunday crew, xyz are all of her friends, etc." 

Now you're just "asleep" and "not hungry". You do that when you're irritated. Why can't you talk to me? When you're mad, talk to me. I talk to you, so why can't you do the same for me? You make it seem like I'm the only one that complains. You NEVER talk to me about your issues anymore. Perhaps it's because you've found a new person to talk to. Maybe I'm just not good enough anymore. 

I need to stop sugar coating this shit. This is how I feel:
I fucking hate it when you talk to her.
I fucking hate it when you respond to her immediately. 
I fucking hate how you always take pictures of her and post them on ig
I fucking hate your sunday funday crew
I fucking hate how you ignore me
I fucking hate how you don't tell me your problems
I fucking hate how you never apologize for anything, even if it's not your fault
I fucking hate feeling this way
I fucking hate feeling pathetic and lonely
I fucking hate crying alone. 
I fucking hate how you dont even realize what's going on. 


I need to stop depending on you for my happiness. I need to do shit on my own. I need to stop crying, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop being jealous, because clearly you won't help me.

The biggest thing I am ever afraid of it falling. I'm scared of letting my guard down, falling, and getting hurt. Congrats, you've done all three things. I've let my guard down for you. I've fallen for you, hard. And now, I've been hurt by you. Congrats. 
 
 
Like really? C'mon now.. 

I fucking told you that i'd come home, if not now, then eventually. if YOU don't want to come get me, then fine, I'll just deal with shit myself. 

When I try to talk to you, you fucking ignore me. I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME. Do I not exist to you anymore? Am I that UNIMPORTANT for you to straight up ignore me? At least show me some damn respect and fucking respond when I ask a simple question.

You didn't even fucking try to help me carry my shit in. "Don't forget the pizza" that's all the words you could possibly utter to me. You couldn't even bring it in for me. I had hella shit to carry, hella HEAVY shit. 

And now, you just walked out the door at the sign of escape. You couldn't even ask me what's wrong. You acted like everything is fine and tried to get a kiss from me. Hell no bitch. You fucked up. 

Fuck you for not being a gentleman. 
Fuck you for not thinking about me.
Fuck you for being such a fucking baby
Fuck you.

I don't even want to talk to you anymore. 
 
 
I'm sorry that i've been neglectful to you weebly, but sometimes, you are my only friend in my time of need and self pity.

Left and right, my friends are becoming single once again. It makes me afraid.. Is it my turn now? 

Sometimes I doubt our relationship. We get into fights and arguments that sometimes will never resolve itself. You runaway and hide, or I runaway and hide. Either way, nothing gets solved, nothing gets better. You don't tell me everything you feel, no emotions whatsoever. Is it because you don't trust me? Perhaps I am not the one for you then.

I want us to get married, to live happily ever after, but are you really my happily ever after? 

You want me there for you, to be at home.. Afterall, home is where the heart is. But how can I stay at a place where I don't fit at all? No storage space for me, no parking space for me, no baking space for me. You say you will accomodate to my every will and need, but what if I need you with me at that very second? Where will you be at? Not home, I can tell you that.

You work countless hours at a job you dislike. You claim that it's for us, it's for our future. But right now, we have no future. I never see you anymore, I never get to eat lunch with you, I never get to do what I used to do with you. 

How can you ask me to stay at a place with you when you will never be around. Only 10% of that day will actually be spent in that room. 10% of that time will consist of sleeping, interneting, and showering. Will we be able to cook together, watch movies, play board games? No. 

I'm so scared. We're drifting apart yet we are holding on to 'what ifs' and make believe. We never go on dates anymore and everything just revolves around money and time. You are starting to care less for me and my emotions. You couldn't even tell me, let alone text me, that you were not planning on spending the night. I had to find out from your best friend. Embarrassing, right?

Why can't we talk normally without getting into a fight? Maybe this is the beginning of the end of our relationship... I'm still holding on, I'm still fighting. But sometimes.. just sometimes, You make me feel like there's no more hope, no more reason to fight.
 

I see

04/08/2012

0 Comments

 
all these people doing selfless acts for their friends. They go over the top and do extraordinary things for them. Even if it weren't extraordinary, they still manage to surprise their friends and put a smile on their face regardless. 

How come my friends do not do that for me? 

For Darren's 18th, Alan and I surprised him and got him a gift, shoved ballooned filled with toys in his car, wrapped his gift over a hundred times and  surprised him on midnight of his birthday. None of that was repaid the following year for both of our birthdays.

For Darren's 19th, we all had a surprise birthday party for him at his house where I personalized Darren t-shirts. We all pitched in for a camera that he wanted.

That following year, we had a surprise birthday party for Albert's 18th where I personalized albert t-shirts. 

For Albert's 19th, Darren and I made him an Almond Joy cake and surprised him.

For Elizabeth's 18th, we had a beach/bonfire surprise birthday party for her. We all pitched in to get her an ipod nano, one that she had always wanted.

For Elizabeth's 20th, we had a surprise birthday party for her at the beach, then dinner at a korean restaurant where we surprised her with a polaroid camera. 

For Darren's 20th, Stephanie and I pitched in and got him a stuffed Giants themed pillow pet... He thanked Stephanie thinking that it was her idea...

For Patty's 20th, I planned a surprise party with Danyelle. We played laser tag and had an after party at my house. We also had a pinata and I surprised her with her brother coming home. Did I get anything back in return? Nope.

Year after year, I've been promised this or that. Go to the beach, have a bonfire. A surprise birthday party. Dinner at a fancy restaurant. But year after year, I'm constantly let down. Don't fucking tell me that you will do shit for me when you wont. I keep expecting something amazing, something awesome, yet nothing happens for me. 

When I was in a relationship with Steven years ago, I used to always go over the top and get Darren all these amazing gifts. I would always hand make it or plan it out for months. He would always try to "top" my gift but really, he always failed. When I was with Steven I neglected my friendship with Darren and I got him a t-shirt. Guess what? I got bitched at for it. My best friend yelled at me because I got him a shitty gift. He blamed Steven for me not getting him an amazing gift. I'm sorry but at that moment, Steven was way more important than you. Did he get me a gift that year? Nope. 

For Christmas, I got Darren Niners shotglasses expecting him to be super happy about it. Was he? Nope. He was mad that I got that for him. What did he get me? A t-shirt that doesn't even fit. He apparently wrapped it a hundred times, his mom ripped it apart thinking it was trash and he was too lazy to rewrap it. I had to remind him about my gift.. i got it about 2 months after christmas. 

I don't understand. Although it seems small, I put in a lot of effort to do shit for you, to get you gifts, to wrap it a hundred times. Yet.. you can't even do that back for me. You blame Wilson and Kenny for not being on schedule with you. You blame your mom for ripping apart the gift. You blame the weather, you blame this, you blame that. But you never blame yourself.

You talk so much shit about people when they're not around yet they do so much for you. They cherish YOUR friendship with them but you don't even stop to look at it in other people's eyes. I don't even know why we're considered best friends when you don't do anything back for me in return. 

I'm mad and jealous at everyone who has friends that love them. I am mad at YOU for getting what you want. But most importantly, I am mad at myself. I am a fool. I should not have let myself believe that something SO SIMPLE could be achieved. I should not have let myself believe that you were my best friend. 

At least I can say that when I was sad, Patty came and bought me stuff to cheer me up. You can't even do that. 
 

04/06/2012

0 Comments

 
I need to get away from all this hatred and negativity. I hate who I've become and I hate who I've surrounded myself around. I promised myself that I'll be a better person but time after tiime I constantly fail myself. Maybe this is the time that I'd stop. 

I need to stop being so fake
 
 
even though you call me your big sister that you never want to lose, you guys still hang out without me. 

That's the end of it. I'm sick of you guys
 
 
you saw me cry through the webcam, I know you wont do anything about it. You can't anyways. It's not like you'll come over anyways
 
 
you are beginning to have more and more complaints about me. Why did it take this long for you to say something in the first place?

You used to WANT to stay over for ME. Now, all you feel is that you're cooped up in my room doing nothing. You don't help me clean my room, or do my homework, or anything like how you used to. I have to get you drinks, I have to get you food, condiments. I have to do this or that. You never want to do it anymore. And when I simply ask if you want to, you just point it back at me like I'm sheltering you away from the world. 

I coop you up in my room
I'm forcing you to spend the night
I have homework to do, therefore you'll be doing nothing
I want you over, so now you're bored

I'm trying to "respect your decisions" but how can I when all you want to do is distance yourself away from me? You're on spring break and you don't even want to spend the night with me. You don't even need to wake up in the morning, all you do is sleep in anyways. 

You've been really demanding lately. You've been really controlling about everything. So what do I do? I give in. I'll do what it takes to make you happy, because obviously, spending the night with me doesn't make you happy anymore. It just makes you mad. 

I feel like I lost my best friend. I have no one to talk to. I'm lonely at night and I oftentimes cry myself to sleep because there is no one I can talk to. 

I'll stop forcing you to do stuff. You wanna lay on my bed and do nothing? Fine with me. You don't want to come over? Fine with me. You want to break up..? If that's what you want, then fine with me. As long as you're happy, it doesn't matter how I feel. 
 

Selfish

03/16/2012

0 Comments

 
Maybe I should stop introducing my friends to new people. I always get left behind in the dirt. Despite ALL the networking I have done, I have a tendency to introduce the new people in my life to the old. Good right? Nahh.. not for me. I am oftentimes replaces and forgotten. 

I swear, I am the only one bringing in new faces. I'm gonna stop that. Keep all groups separated. If you didn't know, I LIKE being the only girl around, with the occasional elizabeth or whomever was there at the start. I HATE not being invited to such things especially when you just ASSUME that I'm "busy" or I'm "with Timmy". I hate that you guys take my time for granted. I know that I'm a busy person, but if you stopped to actually ask me what I was doing, then maybe, just maybe I'll actually be able to chill. 


Silly ol me. Who would want an old Jessica anyways when she can produce much more new faces? I think that's why they're keeping me around for so long. But once I stop, I'll be gone forever. 

I'll just disappear now. You'll miss me, just wait. 
 
 
when you stop telling me things and when you hold things from me, I start to think.. what the fuck is wrong with me? Why won't you tell me? 

And then I look into the mirror and all I see is an ugly person staring back.

Is this what I have become?