basking in my forever alone-ness feeling upset and emotional like I always do. You're out partying while I'm stuck here going crazy and getting headaches. Why don't you tell me what you're doing? Am I not worthy enough anymore? It just makes me even more worrysome when you ignore my texts messages as I cry myself to sleep on the occasion. I want you to be happy but I always question myself. Am I making you happier? Am I satisfying your needs? I always make you worry about me. I'm always frustrated or upset at you for little things. 

I can't help it. I feel really alone when you're out with friends and enjoying yourself. I'm jealous of them, that's why I make such a huge fuss over it. It's stupid, I know. But I don't want to hold you back from them. They are your friends after all. That's why I push you away to hang out with them. I dont know. I'm so bipolar about this. I want to be with you, but I don't want to hold you back. I want to be selfish, but I don't want to feel guilty. 

I don't know why or how you put up with me. I'm such an emotional wreck. I cry too easily, get mad too easily, get upset too easily. How the fuck do you deal with shit like that? This is so stupid. I'm crying as I type this out. I have such low self esteem about myself. Nothing is going to change that. I may act like I don't have a problem, but I do. 

oh well.. Here's to another few weeks or months until you find this post. By then, it'd be too late to address this issue. 

And here's to all the people who will read this and think about how stupid I am for feeling this way. 
I tell you everything yet you still keep secrets from me. Do you not trust me or something? 
If I'm not personally invited somewhere, then I don't really want to go. I feel like the host didn't intentionally want me to go, so I don't want to intrude. Iono. Maybe it's because I always feel left out?

I've been so conditioned to get used to that that if I don't get invited somewhere, I'll be sad for a bit, then I'll get over it. 

Sometimes I just feel so alone, so forgotten that it makes me feel sad. What does one do in order to make themselves feel important? Maybe that's why I'm on the constant lookout of someone in pain. I'd rather ignore my feeling and help them instead. Maybe then will I make a big enough impression in their lives to remember me. 

Do I, myself, need to talk about my emotions freely in order to feel important? If you haven't noticed, I shelter my feeling and talk about it to a selected few. But even then, while talking to them, I just feel so stupid. It's not like my problems are the main talk with them anyways. It's always me saying "this is how I feel" and having a response such as "that sucks, but you know what's worse?" The whole convo is always like that. The main focus is always turned around, ALWAYS. That's why I don't feel like I'm important enough. 

I think people just seek happiness when they talk to me, so I just give them the persona that my life is chipper and bright. It's not like it's any of their concerns anyways, nor would they care to know my problem. 

You might think how stupid it is for me to type this out, because no matter what I say, "I'll always have those people out there for me who will always be there", but Like I said earlier, I don't want to intrude in their life. I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to rain on their parade. Plus, why talk to them about petty things when I 

I'm afraid that I'm going to be an emotional/depressed drunk. I don't want to drink, ever. I'd rather not anyways.