all these people doing selfless acts for their friends. They go over the top and do extraordinary things for them. Even if it weren't extraordinary, they still manage to surprise their friends and put a smile on their face regardless. 

How come my friends do not do that for me? 

For Darren's 18th, Alan and I surprised him and got him a gift, shoved ballooned filled with toys in his car, wrapped his gift over a hundred times and  surprised him on midnight of his birthday. None of that was repaid the following year for both of our birthdays.

For Darren's 19th, we all had a surprise birthday party for him at his house where I personalized Darren t-shirts. We all pitched in for a camera that he wanted.

That following year, we had a surprise birthday party for Albert's 18th where I personalized albert t-shirts. 

For Albert's 19th, Darren and I made him an Almond Joy cake and surprised him.

For Elizabeth's 18th, we had a beach/bonfire surprise birthday party for her. We all pitched in to get her an ipod nano, one that she had always wanted.

For Elizabeth's 20th, we had a surprise birthday party for her at the beach, then dinner at a korean restaurant where we surprised her with a polaroid camera. 

For Darren's 20th, Stephanie and I pitched in and got him a stuffed Giants themed pillow pet... He thanked Stephanie thinking that it was her idea...

For Patty's 20th, I planned a surprise party with Danyelle. We played laser tag and had an after party at my house. We also had a pinata and I surprised her with her brother coming home. Did I get anything back in return? Nope.

Year after year, I've been promised this or that. Go to the beach, have a bonfire. A surprise birthday party. Dinner at a fancy restaurant. But year after year, I'm constantly let down. Don't fucking tell me that you will do shit for me when you wont. I keep expecting something amazing, something awesome, yet nothing happens for me. 

When I was in a relationship with Steven years ago, I used to always go over the top and get Darren all these amazing gifts. I would always hand make it or plan it out for months. He would always try to "top" my gift but really, he always failed. When I was with Steven I neglected my friendship with Darren and I got him a t-shirt. Guess what? I got bitched at for it. My best friend yelled at me because I got him a shitty gift. He blamed Steven for me not getting him an amazing gift. I'm sorry but at that moment, Steven was way more important than you. Did he get me a gift that year? Nope. 

For Christmas, I got Darren Niners shotglasses expecting him to be super happy about it. Was he? Nope. He was mad that I got that for him. What did he get me? A t-shirt that doesn't even fit. He apparently wrapped it a hundred times, his mom ripped it apart thinking it was trash and he was too lazy to rewrap it. I had to remind him about my gift.. i got it about 2 months after christmas. 

I don't understand. Although it seems small, I put in a lot of effort to do shit for you, to get you gifts, to wrap it a hundred times. Yet.. you can't even do that back for me. You blame Wilson and Kenny for not being on schedule with you. You blame your mom for ripping apart the gift. You blame the weather, you blame this, you blame that. But you never blame yourself.

You talk so much shit about people when they're not around yet they do so much for you. They cherish YOUR friendship with them but you don't even stop to look at it in other people's eyes. I don't even know why we're considered best friends when you don't do anything back for me in return. 

I'm mad and jealous at everyone who has friends that love them. I am mad at YOU for getting what you want. But most importantly, I am mad at myself. I am a fool. I should not have let myself believe that something SO SIMPLE could be achieved. I should not have let myself believe that you were my best friend. 

At least I can say that when I was sad, Patty came and bought me stuff to cheer me up. You can't even do that. 

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